3 Years Later

I've been sober almost 11 months. I haven't shot up in, what, 2 years? I'm an alcoholic, too...don't know if I've mentioned that. After my last post, things went from bad to worse. I went to the hospital for two weeks due to an infection in my arm (almost lost that), had to leave town and move in with my father. I was clean for 30 days then overdosed. My dad revived me when he wasn't even going to check on me that morning..."lucky". I went to a 90-day rehab, where I found hope again. I ended up still struggling afterwards, because I didn't quit everything...I stayed with alcohol, and it got me into hot water eventually with probation. Yeah...I did all this while on probation. But I made it through. Things are better now. It can happen. Just thought I'd do a brief update.

Heroin and My Mind

This would be the first update in almost 6 months. I don't kid myself and think that anyone actually reads this. This journal is more for me to track this sickness, this addiction that I have.

You have no idea what heroin does to your brain...unless you've researched it online...then you do. Smartypants. Regardless, the first time you use it, I think it plants itself in your head. The longer you do it, the worse it is in your head. So you stop shooting up for a while because you're going clean. Guess who's sitting there with you every day? The Cravings stay with you, and they can be triggered with something as little as just seeing a 20-dollar bill. That's what happens to me. A twenty or higher triggers thoughts of using.

And you fight it...oh, you fight it, to no avail. The 12-Step Programs say you are "powerless over BLANK"...well, I don't know about people who have a "pot addiction", but I sense they just got caught and feel guilty. People who use junk are definitely powerless. I know at least 5 examples of people who can't or currently don't want to quit the shit right now.

I have to be honest here. I don't know how I'm ever going to shake this shit. Part of me still doesn't want to even though it has led me to lose everything I took for granted in my life: my job, my apartment, and my girl. I lost all three in the past 30 days or so. And you attempt to deal with this loss at the same time trying to be clean...HA! Good luck, everything in the world screams.

Is Narcotics Anonymous and me going to meetings and working steps enough? Can we beat this motherfucker? I don't know if it's possible.

Back On It

I should feel more guilty borrowing money from my mother than I do right now. I was over the hump...two days without the shit and I was almost done with the physical part...well, except for the sweats when I sleep. Junk sweat was in the forecast for at least 3 more days.

No matter. Thanks to mother and Western Union and almost 2 hours of waiting for G Money's slow ass, I am feeling it. It's good to be back. I don't remember when I took a shower last. I guess it's about time to take one. I don't really smell...I just have a faint junk sweat smell that I can't get out of my nose.

I was immobile for my two days off then somehow made it through work on Tuesday. Friday is our big payday. If I can get fucking Frank on the goddamn phone to set up a meet on Friday morning, life would be great. But he's not answering calls or texts. I'm going to bug the shit out of him tomorrow, I shit you not.

I watched "Sid and Nancy" and "Requiem for a Dream" back to back Monday night at the worst of my sickness. I'm not sure why I decided to torture myself with heroin movies.

What a long 3 days it's been. That's sad, but true.

Why Do I Do This?

False alarm. I didn't quit when I had three days off to recover. Why? Because fucking Frank contacted me letting me know that "the DVDs came in, and they're really good".

Well that's just great, Frank. As soon as I wanted to be clean, the good junk becomes available after a week of shit from G-money.

Today I'm at work and I'm down to my last hit. No more money to get stuff...this is it. My girl and I have medication to take to help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms, but it doesn't help as much as a big ol' needle full of golden brown poison. It sticks in you, and you see the blood mix with the junk as you pull back on the plunger, then you push it in. Everything goes away and you're left with feeling normal again. Scratch that. You feel great. Bring on the world.

What to do when all that's gone? I'm going to have go to work during withdrawals for two days, then day 3 I'll start to feel normal-ish, but then I'm dealing with the mental part of craving junk...which is almost worse than the physical part. I start trying to figure out any way I can to get money. What can I sell? What can I steal then sell?

It's no way to live. I need to stop the cycle.

It Begins

I asked off at work for Tuesday so I could have 3 days off in a row to dry out. You can't work when you're junk sick. You don't feel like doing anything but sit there and sweat and feel like shit.

Today it starts though. I'm out of junk, and it sounds as if even my back-up dealer has his phone cut off. Guess we'll be getting sick tonight then.

What I look forward to when I come home

I'm Cheating On My Dealer

That's what I feel like. We've been hooking up with "G Money" pretty regular now, but this is because Frank only wants to meet in the morning, when he actually has some shit to sell. He hasn't had stuff for 5 days now. That's fucking retarded. What dealer doesn't get stuff for his customers for a week? Your clientele gets strung out and impatient. It takes all my power not to constantly text and call him.

The good thing about G Money is he's always available to meet when I contact him...as long as it's before 11 or midnight. The bad thing is that he's selling really cut shit, and not very much of it. Frank's junk is so much better and cost effective. This sucks balls...I've blown all of my IRS return already because Frank has shit and I've had to meet with G every goddamn day just to keep from being sick. My girl has been sick for two days now, even with the junk we've got. I think our bodies were used to the good stuff for too long.

G Money is young...he MIGHT be 21 or 22, who knows. He's paranoid as shit during the day, and at night sometimes you have to wait 20 minutes to an hour for him to show up at the meeting place. Are there any dealers out there that show up early or on time? I'm guessing not since junkies need their fix and will fucking wait. It's not like dealers need sales tactics or any fucking thing. They just need to show up whenever they want and charge whatever they want and give you whatever they want.

Here, take this piece of cut with a tidbit of heroin in it. Maybe next time it'll be more balanced out. You can either get ripped off or have nothing and get sick. Your choice, asshole.

And of course, we take the really cut shit and get pissed about it.

Today he tried to pull some shit. He told my girl that a gram was 80 bucks. I go there with 80 and he wants 90...not to mention what he gives us as a "gram" is not a fucking gram. It's light and cut. Goddamn I hate it. Come on, Frank...go meet your guy and call me.

That's the problem with a dealer that has a day job and a life. There's no rush for him to actually get more junk. It's not right...but it's how it is.

Reading Nikki Sixx's "Heroin Diaries" about him in 1987, the height of his addiction. It's pretty scary...and doesn't make me want to quit any more than the nicks and cuts covering my arms and hands.