Black Friday

Today thousands of fucking people waited out in the cold in the middle of the night to save a few bucks on useless bullshit.

I kept thinking all day today, "Hey, why doesn't my dealer offer a special today? Come on, Frank, how about 2 for 1?"

You may have noticed the name of my dealer changed. Well, it's been a while since I've posted a blog...7 months...

When someone writes about drugs and takes a 7 month hiatus, it usually means the writer cleaned up or died. Well, I didn't do either one. I'm in the same stupid position where I love junk but I hate the sickness and the lack of funds.

Our previous dealer "went away", so he referred us to another dude..."Frank". Frank is much better than Vince. He actually acts like a drug dealer. He'll meet you when he says he'll meet you. He doesn't need someone to drive him around, and he doesn't just lie for no reason. He's straight with you, for the most part.

He's an odd one...a daytime dealer. He must have a wife and kids (kids are confirmed). Lately, we've been having to meet earlier and earlier.I know East 7th Street better than any other area of Austin due to the past few months of dealing with Frank.

I have to work tomorrow...I wonder if Frank is working too. Well,if he is, I'll get a text from him, and maybe we'll have the money to get a half. Otherwise, I'm taking the meds we acquired that takes care of junk sickness.

It's sad how the prescription medication that fights withdrawalymptoms is more expensive and harder to get than heroin itself. Explain that one to me. You want junkies to get better, then quit putting up road blocks,dick licks. Nicorette gum and the patch cost more than cigarettes,so smokers keep killing themselves.

Addicts stay hooked, and drug companies get richer. It's the way of the world, what can you do?

Anyway, I'm back.

This Sucks

Scraping together enough money for a half. 50 bucks worth of junk split two ways. This basically can be stretched out to one normal hit for us a day for three days. Tomorrow is the last one.

Nothing like using just to get by instead of getting high.

I see why junkies commit crimes and steal from friends and family. You run out of money and the sick hits you. You get desperate and stupid.

I'd like to go to a pawn shop and get an estimate on how much of the stuff in the store was sold by people who needed drug money. It's got to be over half of the shit in there.

"And I say welcome to my sty

Throw my shoe, turn light out

Come on in, get high

Don't mind piss-filled bottles

Hack and cough, I write

Peppered walls I spit out

And my future looks bright..."

Update

It's been a month since I've posted anything. I guess I didn't want to repeat myself since everything is still the same. I'm poor...I'm doing junk...I run out of money...I go through withdrawals...I'm miserable...I get junk...I'm better.

This week I finally created my own paraphernalia, my own "gear", if you will. I took one of the shittiest spoons in my apartment and bent the end of it so it would prop up at an angle to hold more water without spillage. I then filed down the edge of the bent handle to be used for cutting off pieces of junk. The bent end also allows the spoon to be carried in the same space as an unused needle. Now I'm all set to be a junkie on the go.

We got word that a friend of a friend has a different connection, and the stuff he's getting is GOOD. I'm a bit skeptical, but hell, I'll give it a shot. Bad pun.

I'm getting too hooked on what I'm shooting now, anyway. My tolerance is up too high to get that initial rush that got me into this shit in the first place. I hope the new connection's goods are as primo as it's supposed to be. I'd like to get high for hours with one hit again instead of having to do 2 or 3.

3 Days

That's how long it takes me to get over the major withdrawals of junk.

I had to see my probation officer. What sucks is they only drug test once or twice a year, and there's no telling when that will be. They shouldn't test me at all because I'm on probation for alcohol, not drugs. But, it is what it is.

I give myself 4 1/2 days before meeting him. Day one is all negative anticipation. You know it's coming, but you don't know when it's really going to hit you. At the tail end of day one, there it is. The cold sweats...the upset stomach and diarrhea...staying in bed all day and night, waking up every other hour.

Day two is when it all peaks. It's when I'm the most miserable. I start thinking about how I can get a hit or I start justifying how I won't get tested.

Day three I start feeling like I can do things again. I see being normal is coming down the road. I'm almost there. Day three is when I start eating again, so I at least get my energy back.

And day four I think I can do okay without ever shooting up again.

But of course, I do...right after my meeting is over.

Posting as an Update

I suppose that because of the nature of this blog, I should probably update it on a regular basis...just so anyone who is even remotely following it won't think I'm dead or hospitalized.

At this point, we're waiting for the man to get his new supply. First, it was "this morning", then it was "probaly at 4pm"...I know he didn't get his shit at 4. A drug dealer hooking up with another drug dealer? No way that happens on time.

Going to call after work at 7...maybe a 3 hour window is enough. He gave us some bunk shit last night. It was almost white and powder, but not in a good way. It must have been his "if I have nothing else I can sell this" stash, and it did nothing for us. A waste of money. Well, now I know what to accept and what not to.

I have to expect that he doesn't get his new stash today. That will make for a junk sick night full of sweat, chills, and overall sleeplessness. I feel a little ick...but my girl just let me know she is sick. Here's to hoping our dealer wants to make money tonight.

Why I Like Junk

I certainly have posted a whole lot of negative shit about my lifestyle. Let me tell you what I like about heroin.

I like the smell when it cooks up...It heightens the anticipation of the high that's coming.

When the needle hits my vein, it hurts a little, but in a nice addictive way like when you get a tattoo. First, a little blood comes out, then it rushes back in along with the liquid gold or brown...and then it comes over you. The big high.

Oh, the problem with the high? You can't top it. It makes vicodin out like aspirin. Weed is nothing.

I was a heavy drinker. I haven't been drunk in weeks. Forget AA...you want to cure alcoholism? Heroin. If only it wasn't addictive, huh?

Bottom line...it is a great drug, and it's going to be hard to quit for good.

3 Days Off

Have to go visit the probation officer tomorrow. Would they drug test me two months in a row? Probably not, but I can't take the chance...at least that's what my girl keeps telling me as she hides the junk she just picked up. I can have my hit once I make my meeting at 8:30 AM.

Chills come and go. I'm coughing up shit in my lungs...and I've got a nice case of diarrhea on top of that. Hooray.

I slept for 36 straight hours. I then got up for a few hours, then it was back in bed for multiple hours. I made it through work today, somehow.

Is it worth it? Heroin?

Yep.

A Good Night

My brother lent me some money...so I went to see Vince, of course.

Is it strange for the third person to find out I'm getting married to be my dealer? Hey, small talk when you do the exchange...you have to talk about something.

When your dealer lives 20 miles away, it's a long drive...on the way back. The anticipation accelerates the withdrawals you might be having and it takes a shitload of willpower to not drive 90 miles an hour back to the apartment. Yes, you don't want to get pulled over with a suspended license, expired tags and junk on your person. That is possibly a violation of your probation.

Tonight is going to be good. One hit so far, and my cold disappeared. Shit, you have any sickness in your body at all, take a hit. Heroin will kick the fuck out of any cold. Nothing trumps junk.